Happy Holidays. May the New Year be rich, fulfilling and sweet. We are in the midst of the Days of Awe, the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Typically this is a period of reflection upon one's life, recognition of where changes might occur, an asking and an extending of forgiveness. Here is a most wonderful message. This period sets aside special time. It tells us, take the time to think about your life. Take the time to think about your relations. Take the time to think about the state of your soul and have the courage to do something about it. For we are mortal and our lives are short, as this beautiful Jewish prayer reminds us. "We are like a fragile vessel, like the grass that withers, the flower that fades, the shadow that passes, the cloud that vanishes, the wind that blows, the dust that floats, the dream that dies away."

More. This reflection is not solely an individual undertaking; it is, rather, a communal undertaking. People come together to do this work together. Self-reflection and the actions growing out of it help to keep a community healthy, powerful, authentic, transformative and alive because they keep the relations between people as clear and as peaceful as possible, while promoting personal integrity. I hope that we can do this today. I hope that we, as a community, can reflect upon ourselves. And in particular can reflect upon the ways in which we tell our truth, the ways in which we reveal ourselves to one another. This speaking from our deeper selves, this opening of ourselves toward one another gives meaning to life. We can surely skim the surface; we can surely dwell in the superficial, but what price would we pay? For we are mortal and our lives are short. Let us live then, let us engage life and each other. Let us make a positive difference. At this new year time let us turn inward, look behind from whence we have come, in order to move forward and turn again toward each other with our best possible selves.

Say to me Resist meanness still. Adore moonlight still. Live by honor still. Turn from hatred still. Run from winning and losing, and losing and winning and be still and be still, and I will, I say to thee, and I will, and I will turn back, turn back to the world. (Mark Belletini)

Telling our truth, revealing ourselves to one another is a powerful and a courageous act. Sharing at Joys and Sorrows can touch us spiritually when you tell us, and show us, something of importance. You allow yourselves to be vulnerable to one another's responses. What can happen during this part of our service is that we reflect, communally, upon our lives, our relations; we talk about the state of our souls and maybe find inspiration to do something about them. Looking inward with an honest and compassionate eye, listening inwardly with an honest and compassionate ear, is essential for human growth. But the results of such inwardness, in order to fully bear fruit, need reflection in our outward words and deeds. The speaking, the expression, of our truth forms the bridge between the inward work and the outward manifestation. The receiving, the listening to another person's truth requires a similar self-reflection in the one who hears, a similar honesty and compassion so that the listening can be offered with acceptance. It's not our job to fix one another, or tell each other what to do, or solve each other's problems, or take responsibility for each other's happiness, or to judge one another. It is our job to listen with an open mind and heart and, as best we can, and within the limits of no harm, be with the speaker wherever he or she happens to be.. Listening with acceptance is not the same as agreement; it's not about right and wrong. We don't have to agree before we can listen or before we can try to understand. The hearing complements the speaking and forms a parallel bridge between our own inward work and its outward manifestation in the results of our listening.

How does one speak meaningfully? How does one listen attentively? There are pathways to speaking our truth. First, of course, is identifying the truth we want to tell ourselves. What is our truth? What is the message of our deepest self? Do you know? Do you know how to find out? This week the ministers' group met and, in the process of catching up, we told each other about our summer. I found myself talking about the horrible oral surgery I had ??“ the one in which the anaesthesia ran out in the middle and I couldn't get the attention of the dental surgeon to get more. The physical pain was acute but, I realized as I told my colleagues the story, the psychological pain was more acute. What was that about? On the way home I listened to myself. A voice inside me kept asking, accusing, how could you not have gotten that dentist's attention? How could you not have protected yourself? I saw that I blamed myself for a situation over which I did not have control. The surgeon did not do his job and that was not my responsibility, but, as many of us know, blaming ourselves can be preferable to even admitting to a lack of control, much less accepting what we cannot control. Especially when it comes to pain, of any kind, most of us want to be in control in the belief that we can thereby avoid it. In my dental adventures I could not avoid it and I had an experience of physical pain for which I then blamed myself. I didn't even know I was blaming myself, I only knew that I kept talking about the experience weeks after it was over. And I suffered for it. When awareness came and I stopped blaming myself, I suffered at having to face the fact, again, that life is risky and not fully controllable sometimes. That is my deeper truth and I'm glad that I listened carefully to my feelings and saw what I was doing. We can only know our truth when we take the time to speak to ourselves and to hear ourselves with a measure of honesty and acceptance. To try and understand what isn't working, what is off in our lives. To reflect within.

To speak our truth we have to uncover our truth. Further, we need to understand the community in which we listen and to which we speak. Our lives consist of communities, some of which overlap. Our family is a community; our workplace is a community; our congregation is a community. We need to understand what we can expect and what we can ask from one another. Our congregation must be a safe place for people to express themselves personally and to express their ideas and thoughts, even when, especially when, they are not shared by a majority of people. Our congregation must be a place of safety for speaking and listening. Often we compare the congregation to an extended family and there are elements of similarity. We share a history that unites us, for example. But we differ from an extended family in at least two significant ways. First, we all play a role and have the responsibility and the joy of keeping this community afloat: physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually; in a way that does not apply to an extended family. Second, we see each other more often and interact far more often than we do with our extended families. Thus we need to understand what we can expect and what we can ask from one another.

We can expect that we will differ. In our personal styles, in our likes and dislikes, in our ideas, in our beliefs, in our needs, in our comfort level with emotions, in the ways in which we communicate, in our leadership. The potential for miscommunication and misunderstanding is always there, making it pretty hard to talk about our truths. We do not necessarily know where each other is coming from, the way our friends might, or even our families. We can ask, though, that we try to understand one another and that we listen openly and that we speak with kindness. We can ask that we cut each other some slack when we fall short of the mark, which we will do because we are human.. We all have growing edges. We all misunderstand and miscommunicate. We all misspeak at times. We all have areas of sensitivity.

Happily, there are attitudes and assumptions we can bring to our speaking and listening that will help with their effectiveness, clarity, openness and kindness. First is the cultivation of appreciation. We can, and it seems we often do, name what goes wrong, close ourselves off when we disagree, or worse, ridicule, demand that our expectations be met. But do we name what goes right? Do we acknowledge that mostly we are doing the best we can? Do we take each other's ideas seriously? Can we accept that not everything will go our way or be to our liking? Can we hold back our complaint if nothing constructive comes with it? A culture of appreciation looks for what's working. Names what we appreciate in one another. Expresses gratitude. Once mutual respect and appreciation have been established, trust grows and it is more possible to speak of that which we would wish to have happen. To speak our deeper truths. Second, we can assume goodwill. Most of us think of ourselves as people of general goodwill. Why not assume goodwill on the part of others? Why start out in defensive mode if we don't have to? This relates to cutting each other some slack. Third, we can practice Are You Sure? Someone says or does something that baffles us, offends us, angers us. We draw conclusions about what they meant, or what they felt, or what they intended. We feel sure that our perceptions are correct. Don't. Before we conclude that the other person is a rat, or an idiot, we can ask ourselves, Are you sure? Are you sure you understand? Are you sure of your perception? Are you sure you know what the other one thinks, feels, intends, means? And when we realize we are not sure, it's time to ask.

Fourth, we can take responsibility for our own thoughts, reactions and feelings. We might see that someone has a problem and feel a desire, an internal pressure, even an obligation to solve it for them. We might then feel the burden of that and blame the other person for dumping their problems on us. In reality we took it on of our own accord. I don't know about you, but I have certainly tried to solve the problems of my son, and more than once. He didn't ask, I jumped in. That's what I mean by taking responsibility for ourselves and what we do and say and how we react. Or, in a different vein, we might choose not to be part of a decision making process, but then blame others if they make decisions we don't agree with, ignoring the fact that we did not participate in the first place. There's a bumper sticker,"If you don't vote, don't complain." It's easy to blame others for the choices we do or do not make, the actions we do or do not take, the feelings we do or do not feel. But the devil did not make us do it.

To speak our truths, we uncover our truths. We know what we can expect and ask from our communities in terms of speaking and listening. We bring certain attitudes and practices to our own speaking and listening: a culture of appreciation, Are You Sure?, assuming goodwill and taking responsibility for ourselves.

Finally there is the speaking and listening themselves. I imagine that most, if not all, of us wish to speak and be heard with respect, attention and kindness. I imagine most, if not all, of us wish to extend that same treatment to others. Yet most, if not all, of us, have personal experience with the pitfalls of speaking and listening. Meaningful, thoughtful communication, speaking our truth, presents us with many challenges and here are some of the more germaine.

Our congregation must be a place of safety for speaking and listening. Because we are human, though, sometimes it might not be as safe as we wish it to be. As Unitarian Universalists we pride ourselves on our openness but we do not always extend openness to those in our own communities with so-called minority views. Do you know where the phrase Achilles' heel comes from? When Achilles, the Greek hero, was born his mother wanted to make sure he would never die, so she dipped him in a special river. The water covered all of him except his heel because that's where she held him as she put him in the water. One fateful day when Achilles, the greatest of warriors, was busy fighting the Trojans, one of their warriors hit Achilles in the heel with an arrow and he died. The Achilles heel is that which negates the purpose of all the rest. Our sometimes lack of openness, on the part of some of us, to people who might hold opinions not shared by the majority is our Achilles heel. Such so-called minority opinions might include, for instance, not agreeing with marriage equality for same sex couples, or thinking that the war in Iraq was justified, or finding much comfort and strength in praying to Jesus. We tend to assume that we all think the same way. We don't. Some of us have louder voices than others. Does that mean that all cannot speak? We can silence one another by the negative responses we give to each other's ideas and beliefs. Is that who we are as Unitarian Universalists? It's hard enough to speak your truth. It's also hard to differ constructively. Can two walk together and still disagree, asks the prophet Amos. I hope so.

How do we know when to speak? Have you heard the joke that UU's are people who approach every topic with an open mouth? Seriously, how do we determine when and to whom we speak? In general, I think that direct, clear, kind communication is useful and helpful. In meetings and groups sharing your ideas, thoughts and feelings is part of membership and both benefits the whole gathering as well as strengthening the interpersonal ties between the people in a group. Especially when we have a question, or a different take on things. When we do not speak our truth we take away our own power to influence a situation for the better.

When personal glitches occur between people, speaking directly can clarify and bring resolution. Sometimes, though, we hesitate to speak directly, we hesitate to share our truth. Maybe we're afraid of the reaction; maybe we got the idea somewhere in our lives that what we have to say isn't worthwhile; or that no one really cares; or that we aren't as smart as others. I could go on and on. So we don't share; we don't speak directly. We tell a third person. That's called triangulating. Bringing a third person into a situation between two others. Maybe we tell a third person because we just need to vent and once we do, the glitch floats away. Telling a third person can relieve our anxiety and tension. We all do it. It requires caution though. Triangulation has its down sides.

Billy, Sally and I know each other. Billy says something that offends me. I don't speak with Billy, though, I tell Sally instead. While talking with Sally might help bolster my feelings, here's the pitfall. Sally's relationship with Billy could suffer when she hears something negative about him, and/or it might suffer in Sally's efforts to support and sympathize with me. When we triangulate we take the double risk of not improving our relationship with the person directly involved and affecting the relationship between the other two people as well. For while Sally and I have contact about what Billy said, Billy himself might not even be aware of how he offended me. Triangulating does not really help resolve situations between two people. And, who is to say that Sally won't go back to Billy and tell him what I said about him? If we are going to triangulate, and at times we will, we might take some care that the third person we bring in can hold his/her own and both keep confidentiality and not allow his/her own relationships to be affected. Speaking and listening to one another's truth is a complex human interaction. But well worth it, for when it happens, wow. I am an only child and my father died two years before I got married. In those two years my mother and I, always close, grew closer still. Comes time for the wedding and the usual nonsense takes place, with my family going around worrying about all the details, getting in each other's way. I had decided to make my own dress, a simple yellow thing with flowers on it, which I did, crooked zipper and all.. My best friend, Lillian, also the best woman, was to make her dress, same style, only purple, but the night before the wedding it was still in pieces. That put my family over the top. My mother, especially was impossible. Taking on an air of martyred hopelessness and convinced that the wedding was ruined, she turned her sharp tongue on me once too often. I became furious, and in front of the whole family I began to yell at her. (Understand that this was highly unusual behavior for both of us.) However, instead of anger, I heard myself responding to her unspoken truth, namely that, as happy as she was for my marriage, she also felt the sadness, maybe the fear, of losing me. I yelled at the top of my lungs, I AM NOT ABANDONING YOU! I just said it once and nothing more. Tension relieved, our closeness cemented. Our truth recognized and heard. I treasure my relationship with my mother, especially for moments like that one.

Speaking and listening to one another's truth is a complex human interaction. It asks us to look inside and know our own truth and to listen very carefully for the truth that others might not be able to express clearly. It asks us to understand what we can ask for and expect from the community to which we speak and in which we listen. It asks us to practice Are you sure?, appreciative inquiry, assumption of goodwill and responsibility for our own reactions, feelings, words and deeds. It asks us to speak directly and to listen with an open mind. It asks us to cut each other some slack. In this time of the Jewish New Year, a time set aside for reflection in community, let us reflect upon speaking our truths and hearing those of others.

This is a powerful and beautiful thing to do. It puts us in sync with the deepest parts of ourselves, which is a gratifying, joyful, meaningful place to be. It puts us in sync with the deepest parts of others, which is a loving, connected place to be. When we create a community that offers safety for people to speak and listen, we create something precious and unique. We create a community in which we are reminded of our"highest aspirations and inspired to bring our gifts of love to all living beings." Where"we know once again that we are not isolated but connected, in wonder and joy, to mystery and miracle in the universe, in this community and in each other." May it be so. Have a rich and fulfilling new year.