Then there's also sex, a favorite taboo in the mid-twentieth century, as well as at other times in our history. Look at movies and TV from the fifties and early sixties, in which married people slept in separate twin beds and gays and lesbians lived deep in the closet or else killed themselves if outed. The Children's Hour, Father Knows Best, all of those Rock Hudson-Doris Day movies. Unmarried pregnancy was something to be ashamed of. Peyton Place and From Here to Eternity, in which Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr made out in bathing suits on a beach, were scandalous, if titillating. When earthy European film stars came to the US, like Anna Magnani and Sophia Loren, they had to be de-sexualized somewhat. Compare Loren's Italian films with her American ones. Then came the availability of the birth control pill, Woodstock, the feminist movement and later, that for gay rights. Sex came out of the closet, so to speak. These days sexual talk, images, innuendos surround and overwhelm us. No longer is it taboo to speak of your sex life with your friends, your co-workers, even publically.
While one can make the case that we overdo it, nevertheless, breaking through taboos and talking plainly about sex, or religion or politics, has benefits. Taboo subjects carry shame and embarrassment with them. Taboos carry an air of guilt and/or sin. Better not to have that baggage attached to sex or politics or religion. Those subjects hold too much importance in our lives, personally and as a society, to shroud them in veils of discomfort. So what's left? Money, of course. For all that our society and our government focuses upon money, there is still much silence and discomfort in speaking of it on the personal level. My friends willingly talk about economics but I do not know the yearly income of any one of them. I know how often they have sex with their partners but I do not know how much credit card debt they carry. I know if they worry about what their children are doing, but I do not know if they worry about the amount of savings they have in the bank. Money talk, on the personal level, is taboo. Why?
Because we use money as an indicator of our "worth" and not just our financial worth. Our so-called "success" in the world, our status with friends and in society, future opportunities for our children, our very self-identity is bound up with our income, with how much money we have. This is not new. From the time of the Puritans, worldly prosperity was understood as a sign of God's favor. If you prosper it becomes a mark of your moral worthiness. If you do not prosper, it becomes a mark of your moral unworthiness. This deeply embedded attitude has prevented us, as a society, from dealing effectively with poverty and classism in our country. Much shame becomes attached to money, or the lack of it. So if we don't have as much as we think we should have, or we think our neighbors do, we will maintain silence about the truth of our circumstances, even if it means going into paralyzing debt in order to keep up appearances.
Moreover, guilt and sin attach to money. Greed, although wildly encouraged by our consumerist economy, is still not fully embraced as a good thing. Nor is envy, yet many cannot help but feel envy when we see how much others seem to have. Many of us cannot help but feel guilt as we realize how much of the world's resources we use, far more than proportional. Many of us cannot help but feel guilt when we realize the extent of our privilege and the ease of our lives when compared to others in the very city of Kingston. Thinking about our economy and its connection with our foreign policy, how many of us would not agree with Paul when he said that the love of money is the root of all evil?
Anxiety attaches to money. It is the currency of our world and in a country where the gap between rich and poor grows ever wider, most of us cannot help but wonder where we fit in. Will our income be enough for us to live comfortably? Will we have enough money for a secure retirement? To take care of our families? What happens if we lose our jobs? We know that those of us under 40 save less and have less to save. As a percentage of disposable income, Americans saved but .4% in 2007, as compared to 7-10% in the 1960's and 70's. Money frightens us.
Given the level of embarrassment and shame, given the encouragement to greed and the presence of envy, given the identification with self-worth, given the accompanying guilt and anxiety, no wonder we don't want to talk about money. Who would? And, when pledge time arrives in our congregation and we ask outright for money, all of the taboo around it kicks into gear, as well as other factors personal to each of us. We do not know each other's emotional relationship with money or financial circumstances, so we cannot know how another will react when we bring up the topic of pledging. Another reason for discomfort regarding the whole subject.
Beside the societal feelings and values that exist about money, each of us has our own very personal feelings about money. Some of these we learned from our families, some we picked up through our own experience. When we combine that with our feelings and commitment to the congregation, money can become a complicated topic.
For instance, some of us grew up with the notion that money is "filthy lucre" and we must not speak of it in a religious community, a spiritual place. While we are aware that no religious community can exist without funding and while we are aware that our community receives over 80% of income from our pledges, nevertheless, some of us feel discomfort when we talk about money. It doesn't feel "right" somehow.
Many of us truly cherish this congregation and have a deep commitment to Unitarian Universalism and to leaving this UU community strong for the future and for our children. Thus we feel some responsibility for the well-being of this place. We want to carry our share of the load. We do not want to leave it to others. We do believe that we are together in this endeavor. But if we cannot contribute as we wish we could, or as much as we think we should, then we might feel pressured by talk of money. We might resent the feelings of obligation that arise in us at pledge time. Many of us worry about our own incomes and sources of money in an uncertain future. Some of us feel a real scarcity; some of us fear scarcity. While we understand that the congregation needs our pledge and that without pledges we cannot effectively plan our income and expenses for the year, nevertheless, we wish there wasn't a need. We wish that UUCC had buckets of money so that we could do everything we want and need to do without having to go into our scarcity minds.
So here we are, at the start of another pledge campaign. We each have our feelings about money and to some extent, we share societal taboos about money. No matter how well we understand the needs of the congregation and the goals of the budget; no matter how well we understand that we do indeed speak with our money, we do express our values through our contributions, we still feel what we feel. Rational explanations do not make feelings go away. What are we to do?
It helps to have an awareness of our own emotional responses to money, as well as an awareness of the societal attitudes about money active within us. I, for instance, can become fearful about a lack of money. When I attended seminary I worked three jobs and I had enough money to last just until graduation. All the jobs were set to end upon graduation. As the day drew near and no other work manifested, I became pretty panicked. Of course I did. Until a friend asked me what money represented for me and I realized that I could separate my emotional reactions from the reality of the situation and understand that I had more choices than my fear had previously allowed me to see. It's helpful to own our emotional responses and remember that emotions, while real for the person feeling them, are not always accurate indicators of the larger reality. My feelings are mine and no other person is to blame for them and no other person is responsible for fixing them. That's what I mean by owning our feelings. With such awareness and with such ownership we are less likely to be carried away by emotional reactivity, more likely to gauge the possibilities open to us and more able to break through the shame-guilt-anxiety bonds of taboo. So, if I may ask, what are your attitudes about money? What feelings does it bring up in you? What did your family teach you? What have you taught your children? How does this affect how you spend money? How does it affect what you give?
For the reality is that despite social taboo and personal feelings of discomfort, we do give away our money. We do exercise generosity toward others and toward this congregation, and for that we have cause to be grateful to one another. Let me express my personal thanks right now. Gratitude and generosity feel good; they are "ethical" emotions that speak to another side of our feelings about money. It might bring us discomfort but it also brings us pleasure and accomplishment.
For me, this poem by Denise Levertov explains how I feel about giving to the congregation. It's called The Thread.
Something is very gently, invisibly, silently, pulling me “ a thread or net of threads finer than a cobweb and as elastic. I haven't tried the strength of it. No barbed hook pierced and tore me. Was it not long ago this thread began to draw me? Or way back? Was I born with its knot about my neck, a bridle? Not fear but a stirring of wonder makes me catch my breath when I feel the tug of it when I thought it had loosened itself and gone.
We are joined in a net of threads finer than a cobweb and each spring, the one called pledge, calls me, calls us.
Why do you give? For the satisfaction of it? Because the more one gives, the more one receives? Because generosity feels like the right thing to do? An article in the New York Times magazine spoke about this very topic, behavioral economics, noting that there is little empirical research on the reasons for generosity, or philanthropic giving. They noted recognition, (a wing of the hospital named after you; your name on a plaque, etc.), and peer pressure as motivators. They noted that matching gifts help to spur giving. They noted that raising a large portion of the goal from major givers prior to the start of general giving also makes a difference. I would add that people give when they understand the need and accept a sense of responsibility, or obligation, for meeting it. People give when they understand that they will get something worthwhile back.
Most interestingly, the New York Times article found that people gave out of what they called "impure altruism." People give, they might say, because they believe in the cause; they want the organization to flourish. And so they do. But embedded in this altruism is also a sense of self-interest. I paid for a membership with Upstate Films. It would be cheaper, based upon how often I've been there lately, to pay by the individual movie. But I want Upstate to exist and I think that my membership will inspire me to go more often. Impure altruism. And that's not a bad thing. That's just a human thing. Our giving says as much about us as individuals as it does about the causes we give to. Giving is about self-identity. I am the kind of person who gives to Upstate Films. It makes me feel good about myself to be that kind of person. Impure altruism. This is called the "warm glow" theory. Economist James Andreoni argued that "people aren't giving money merely to save the whales; they're also giving money to feel the glow that comes with being the kind of person who's helping to save the whales." (David Leonhardt, What Makes People Give? from the New York Times, March 9, 2008)
What kinds of people are we? What do our ways of giving say about us? Do we feel the warm glow when we make our pledge to the congregation? Does giving to UUCC exemplify our sense of self-identity?
I believe we are the kind of people who *wish to get to the YES of our potential and are willing to acknowledge any fear of scarcity we may hold without letting it stop us I believe we are the kind of people who: *wish to think bigger than ourselves and reach out to the wider community as we build for the future I believe we are the kind of people who: *wish to live as a blessing to ourselves and each other and in the world I believe we are the kind of people who: *wish to unlock our generosity by claiming and treasuring our mutual responsibility and mutual joy in this congregation
Can we hold awareness of societal taboos around money that may give rise to shame and embarrassment, guilt and envy, anxiety and scarcity in us, causing us to shut down when the subject of money comes up? Can we hold awareness of our own personal attitudes and feelings around money, which may cause us to doubt our inherent worthiness, or feel pressured and resentful, or think that it is not a fitting topic for a religious community? Can we acknowledge and accept our feelings and still look with a clear eye at what is being asked of us when we are asked to pledge?
How do we explain ourselves to ourselves? What does it mean to claim Unitarian Universalism? While each person answers that for him/herself, there is no argument that UU'ism is both an individual experience and a community experience. Can we, then, trust each other to take care of ourselves, together, each contributing what he/she can, as generously as he/she can? No one has to do it alone. We are together.
Finally, in this season of giving, can we find peace and joy in what we
contribute? In the words of Rabindranath Tagore: I Saw
I slept and dreamt that life was joy
I woke and saw that life was service
I acted and behold! service was joy.
May we experience joy in our generosity. May we experience joy in
breaking through the fetters of a taboo which holds us in its unhelpful grip. May we
experience joy in our gratitude, one to another. May we experience joy in this
community of Unitarian Universalists. May it be so.
Closing words:
No One But Us by Annie Dillard
There is no one but us. There is no one to send, Nor a clean hand, Nor a pure heart On the face of the earth, Nor in the earth But only us, A generation comforting ourselves With the notion That we have come at an awkward time, That our innocent fathers are all dead ??“ As if innocence has ever been ??“ And our children busy and troubled, And we ourselves unfit, not yet ready, Having each of us chosen wrongly, Made a false start, failed, Yielded to impulse And the tangled comfort of pleasures, And grown exhausted, Unable to seek the thread, Weak, and involved. But there is no one but us. There never has been. From Holy the Firm